(Sexual Abuse, Homosexuality, Addiction)
I struggle with homosexual attractions and thoughts. I fight temptations to buy pornography. I need the really, really, strict filters that are on my computer. I also battle with more “acceptable” vices; over-eating, laziness, control, unkindness, …
Because of my Christian faith I believe that giving in to any of these attractions and temptations is sin.
So what feeds my attractions and temptations to sin? For one, anger over having been abused. Anger that in itself is not wrong, but rather has been mishandled. Anger that turned to a desire for revenge. I have tried to bury that desire for revenge since I was small.
I grew up seeking to be a “good boy.” I was taught that expressing or even feeling anger was wrong. But anger was present in the childhood fantasies I created to escape from pain. As I grew I remained committed to preserving my front of being good. That front did not allow for anger. Hiding my anger required me to find something to dull pent-up emotions. Addiction to pornography was my drug of choice for years. The battle in my mind continues.
If my attractions and temptations are fed by revenge (my mishandled anger), what feeds revenge? My powerlessness when I was abused. Raped.
When that powerlessness surfaces, I feel terror. I can’t face that terror for more than a few seconds. Self-protection takes over and I suppose the terror retreats into my subconsciousness. I separate from both the harshness of powerlessness and its accompanying terror.
Anger begins again.
“In your anger do not sin.” Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. (Ephesians 2:26-27)
…And that is what some of you were [did]. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God. (1 Corinthians 6:11)
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. (Romans 8: 1-2)
Thanks for opening the door and inviting us deeper into your story. What you’re sharing will be an encouragement for many people.
Thank you for the encouragement!
Mark, this song came on the radio a couple days ago and my thoughts turned to you. I hope it dosen’t sound trite or shallow held up to what you are going through.
“Blessings” Laura Story
We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
And all the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things
‘Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your word is not enough
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we’d have faith to believe
‘Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not,
This is not our home
It’s not our home
‘Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise
Mattie, I love that song! Have enjoyed it for several years. And its message is so true. We do find blessings and growth through the challenges and rough experiences of life.
Thank you for sharing! 🙂
So proud of you and the courage you’ve displayed with this post! More evidence of tremendous grace. 🙂
Thanks Burt, I really appreciate your encouragement and friendship!