Do you enjoy (or dread) going back and rereading your old journal entries? It can be a valuable exercise if you are wanting a fresh perspective on your life’s story line. That’s what happened as I reread an entry I’d written a couple years ago; the record of what seemed like a Very Bad Day.
According to my journal, I’d wrestled with anxiety for hours on that day. Encounters with family members had added to my stress. Phone calls made to friends hadn’t calmed me. At my Celebrate Recovery meeting, anxiety spiked until I was shaking. I didn’t sleep that night. All in all, the story line of that day read like one of defeat and failure.
But one sentence in that dark entry carried a glimmer of hope. “During the night I finally cried to God, ‘I want to get better.'”
That must have been a turning point, because here are the words I wrote the next morning.
My Psalm
Father, who am I? my heart cries out
looking to others as my mirror
and hearing countless names
with none ringing true,
So many sounds I almost miss
the singing of Your heart over me
Son, I know your true name
I’ve engraved it in stone
never to be erased,
My Fathering Spirit covers you
guarding your name in My heart
until I make it known,
you are Mine
Father, I’m starting to see the colors
of Your voice wrapping me
blending with my cry,
Till the sound is only Yours;
who I was lost, in the rising flood
of being found in my Father’s Heart
Time, and continued healing, gives me a very different perspective on the story line of that Very Bad Day. What I once interpreted as dark hours of failure and defeat, I now see as crucial for the victory that morning would bring. God was alongside me as I battled anxiety. He was preparing me for the victory of drawing deeper into His identity for me.
Do you have past story lines that you read as defeat and failure? The next time you open those pages of memory, try reading your story through this truth: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28 NIV, emphasis added)
You turned my wailing into dancing;
you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent.
Lord my God, I will praise you forever. (Psalm 30: 11,12)
(This post has been linked up at WFMW.)
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